Its one of the topics I don’t see alot of Mom’s talking about, but I know its real and I know it happens to alot of us.
For those of you that don’t know I have a daughter that just turned 2 and I am currently 21 weeks pregnant with our second child. Which will make them a little less than 2 1/2 years apart when Baby #2 is born. This second child was planned but just because it was planned doesn’t mean the guilt was any less, I actually didn’t even know I had it until the day I found out I was pregnant.
On the day we found out we were pregnant, my first initial reaction was tears of sorrow. I know I know, I should have felt blessed, happy, excited, all the amazing things you should feel when you find out your expecting but, that just didn’t happen for me. At the time my daughter wasn’t two yet, and still breastfeeding and there were multiple feelings of guilt that overwhelmed me in that moment.
“She won’t be my baby anymore”, the realization that my once baby will no longer be the baby, she will be the big sister.
“How can I love another child?”, the realization that my heart can love more than one, but will I bond with the new baby like I have her? Will my love be the same? Will I have the same amount of love? How can this one compare to the love I have for her? How can I share my love?
“She will no longer be the only child”, the realization of having to share my love, my time, my devotion with another one. Can I handle it? Will I have enough to give to both?
And the hardest one, “How will she react/feel?”
All of these thoughts rushed through my mind at the moment we found out, and I never thought of them before then and as soon as they came to mind, I just broke down on my husbands shoulders sobbing. It was one of the feelings of, did we make the right choice, was it to early to have another? I was so overwhelmed by these emotions.
But, then clarity came and I was given perspective. The perspective of the ability to give our daughter a sibling is such a blessing, an honor, and the best gift we will probably ever give her. The guilt I was feeling was okay because they are real challenges that, I will have to face, but I am up for the challenge because this baby will be one of the best things that happen to this family and to my daughter. We will all have to adjust, we will all have to learn as we go, but what is more precious than a sweet baby to do that with.
I know this baby will be her best friend, I know she will be the BEST big sister, and I know she will be bonding with the baby forever. I know they will build a closeness that many people dream of, and I know they will always protect eachother. This is what adding to your family looks like. This is what the miraculous addition a baby creates.
We are looking forward to all the new “first times” to come and adding this sweet bundle of joy to our family. But, before then, I am spending as much time with just my daughter and husband, and cherishing these moments we have together that we won’t ever get back.